I am sitting at my desk, I have a letter to write, a proposal to draft by Thursday at 2, product follow up and a blog post to write for my job (yes…my job pays me to write posts for the organization blog). Pretty much I can’t think and I need to have a clear head to do all of these things, cause I did all the mindless tasks this morning when I was still half asleep.

But in all this I’m also listening to the same song on repeat, “In My Arms” by Plumb…the calming force of a God moment birthed from a song, the chorus going:

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

All will be … done eventually :)

So I was reading along and stumbled across the following passage:

“I think it is the curse of being female that makes us attempt to name every feeling, identify every stage of a relationship, and study what the next natural course of action should be at all times. I cannot help but wonder if such obsessive analysis is standing as a barricade between our lovers and our enjoyment of just being with them. How much more enjoyment could we feel if we omit the stress we self-inflict over what he is thinking and where things are going? Then again, is it truly possible for us to silence those little voices in our heads, the ones who want desperately for us to find a real someone and stop worrying. Can we ever just enjoy our relationship without looking for the part it plays in the big picture? Or is it truly impossible for women to just shut up… “

Pretty much all I can say is, Amen…can’t we all just shut up. Girls over analyze, they lay claim on a person based on not much more then an initial attraction, there is the crush, there is the over analyzing of the crush, then the moving on but not letting go. (And of course I lump myself into this. I can barely stand to hear l myself lately…all moody, frustrated and crushing on boy…it’s really quite nauseating).

All in all…Girls = Nuts.

Now mind you all of this stems from the whole…you are Elinor Dashwood moment (thanks Jane Austen). Cause if there was a guy, and there has been, and a friend showed even the slightest fancy, there has been that too, I’m pretty good about stepping back and at least working up to faux-happiness. Cause when it comes down to it, everyone should be able to be happy with stars in their eyes (that was so sappy that I feel ill after typing it). –Also, no one should read to deeply into this rant, it’s what happens at a slow day at work, I think about absurdity topics –

And yet again, thanks Elinor Dashwood…I let you be my favorite Austen character and you throw caution to the wind and show my my greatest trait and the thing that will keep me single forever.

So this past week has been ridiculously up and down. Emotional Roller Coaster, it should be my middle name. But because I was trying not to blog through my depression (yes, I know I pretty much failed that), we’re getting a lot out in the post today, and it includes a trip home and a recipe.

A weekend at home…fantastic. It wasn’t really a weekend (it was Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon), so in weekend detail:

Friday: Work was fantastic. My boss and my managing director were both out of the office, so all the little projects that would require me to be away from my desk…I did them all. It was FANTASTIC! My office is fantastically clean now. Post-work was the Newcomers Dinner for the church that I am attending. It was great, I went with Sketchy Law School/Church Friend (who has been requesting a name change) and there were people from my correspondence job. It was just an even better point to my day. After it was hanging out at H’s party…all in all it was a good day. There was a small bump at the end of that day, that resulted in a panic email sending moment (that I may have been mocked for today…) but besides that it was great.

Saturday/Sunday: I drove home Saturday morning and hung out with dad and my little brother, i.e. we ate everything that mom wouldn’t let us eat. And then today we took her to brunch and ate, everything that she normally wouldn’t let us eat. But really…the weekend is best told through pictures. The first is the strange folk dancers across from the BBQ place…there was stick dancing, fan dancing, an accordion and a fiddle. It was strange. The second photo, is commemorating my grandmother’s return to a sense of humor. It is not a secret that with the U.S. Government Stimulus Check I want to buy a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. My grandmother last weekend told me how wasteful that is, I may have shot her down. So to make up for it…I walking into church today and she had altered her shoes to match the tell-tale signs of Louboutins, the red sole. Let’s just say she went to Target for red construction paper and tape last night :)

Now moving on from that absurdity. I made it to church tonight and it was just what I needed. Pretty much the week has been a contemplative exercise in being okay with my life. Today was the understanding that I just need to go with God’s flow…and that is about everything: my future, inappropriate crush, work, and finding a new place to live. However in that, I took this absurd “which Jane Austen character are you” quiz. The result was exactly what I was expecting. The good news, it was pretty much a tie between Elizabeth Bennet and Elinor Dashwood. The sad news, the tie breaker led to the answer that I expected: Elinor. The reasons: “As Marianne’s older sister, Elinor lives at the other end of the emotional spectrum. She rarely reveals her intense feelings and is more concerned with being honest and loyal than having what she deserves. Even though her intentions are pure, she sets herself up for loss by constantly placing other people before her own needs. Overall, Elinor is gentle and rational but is just as capable of radical emotions (despite her withholding them) as her sister.” It sounds so lovely when you read it…it’s a little more pathetic when you read it and then realize you live it. But enough of that.

Now on to something fun. Peanut Butter Brownies, care of who else, Deb at Smitten Kitchen!! (These were a favorite of my old boss in the government).

[Recipe to follow]

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Yes….I just said from Grey’s Anatomy.

The past two weeks I’ve turned on the TV with the last 10 minutes of the show on, and yep…caught up to all you really don’t need to know about it: Meredith and McDreamy broke up, McDreamy is “with” a nurse, Meredith is in therapy, etc etc etc. But then the preview came on for next week and the closing line from Meredith, who I generally think is really to pathetic to function. She said, and I quote, “If you think I’m broken…fix me.” And in the first three seconds I rolled my eyes. Ad then I stopped and thought about it, and part of me just went…wait.a.second. It almost makes sense.

Mind you all of this really came from my pathetic recesses of my, as of late, ubber needy mind. Now mind you, I think I’ve fixed my current problems…kind of, but I can’t say it was alone. So my divine knowledge of the moment…embrace the people that yank you out of a rut.

And let you bake peanut butter brownies…picture and recipe coming soon.

Posts about how baking rocks, my love life suck and my friends are crazy…those are pretty normal. Also normal…the rants, but normally those our out of anger. Very rarely is it one of these, simply stated:

I’m tired.

I love my job, I love the work I’m doing (mostly cause I love making sure peoples’ lives run well). I’m exhausted this week, and it’s only Tuesday/Wednesday (12:45 am). When I’m tired I think a lot, cause my mind runs at a mile a minute. Overall, to repeat it again I’m physically, but mostly mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Mostly, the new stream of relationship questions, it’s too much. My mom, all through my being in college, used to use the line “so any boys?? Not that there should be because you are focused on school.” But now, oh now that graduation is done and a year has passed, no longer do people use the old horrid question “so what are you doing with you life?”…instead the new fun question “so any boys in your life?” And apparently, just saying no isn’t good enough, cause every conservative woman should have a man by the age of 22.

Well I’ve been giving the no answer, and to friends we all know that I can rant on instead of just saying, “oh no, no guy.” But because I leave it at no, I’m getting the fun follow up of, oh why not and advice for how I should meet boys, including not joining a women’s bible study group because you don’t meet men there. And seriously, in my exhausted “I don’t have a filter state” just burst out with the fact that I don’t care, and oddly enough…I’m trying not to care, because I care too much. But no matter what I say, it supposedly can all be remedied by straight hair, dropping 15 lbs and wearing make-up.

I’m not putting that kind of energy into something that I don’t think will work (cause it all goes back to being tired). If there is a guy out there for me, he’ll like me for my crazy hair, extra curves, and make-up hating ways…and I’ll hide him from my parents and their friends for a good amount of time. Because my sanity will be preserved.

The weekend was pretty slow…and all in all, it was shopping, family, two rounds of church, being told by my mother that I don’t embrace my “pretty young lady” aura and thus am single (insert eye roll here). Mind you, I kind of feel like she’s missed the part where I don’t have full control over if I’m single or not…of course, E would disagree with me on that last point. But I smiled today, batted the eyelashes and tried not to toss the oh so straight hair as I invited myself to look at a fish pond…a fish pond, am I nuts?

So instead tonight, of going into fish pond psychology, I share…my attempt of: Deb’s Brownie Mosaic Cheesecake

One thing to point out before the recipe, I don’t make brownies from scratch. Why, cause someone at Duncan Hines figured out a way to let me make brownies with a box, eggs, oil and water…so fantastic! Also, remove it from the fridge ten minutes or so before, don’t leave it out to long, it will melt.  Now, the recipe (after the jump)

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I’m home for the weekend and this is the first in probably many ridiculous comments from my brother:

while listening to Three Days Grace:

Brother: Do you know the drummer sings background. I love drummers that sing backgound…like Phil Collins!
Me: insert look of incredulous shock
Brother: I didn’t mean that!! I didn’t mean that!!

E and T made this playlist my Junior Year, which was inspired by my love for a certain unnamed soulmate. Long story short…the Playlist was titled [me] loves [him], with initials. He saw it, I didn’t know the playlist existed, it was renamed, it ended up on his iPod, I found out, I ranted, and in the end…I think it’s hysterical. But I just got the official listing of songs this week (I hadn’t actually seen it all), and I feel the need to share. It’s an intense playlist:

Ah ah ah - Words Now Heard
Sex Machine - Mya
I Want You to Want Me - Cheap Trick
I’m Gonna Make You Love Me - Diana Ross & The Supremes
Hopelessly Devoted To You - Olivia Newton-John
Take a Chance on Me - Abba
The Seed (2.0) -The Roots
You’re The One That I Want - Olivia Newton-John & John Travolta
Head Over Feet - Alanis Morrisette
If I Was Your Woman/Walk On By - Alicia Keys
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy - Kenny Chesney
I Can Love You Better - Dixie Chicks Country
Hello, I Love You - The Doors
(If You’re Not In It For Love) I’m Outta Here! - Shania Twain
Fantasy (remix) - Mariah Carey
She Loves You - Beatles
Crazy In Love - Beyoncé Feat. Jay-Z
All I Want For Christmas Is You - Olivia Olson
Any Way You Want It - Journey
Crush - Dave Matthews Band
I’ll Be That Girl - Barenaked Ladies
Hold My Hand - Hootie & The Blowfish
Can You Handle It? - Usher
This Kiss - Faith Hill
The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s In His Kiss) - Cher
Sugar, Sugar - The Archies
Why Can’t I - Liz Phair
Wouldn’t It Be Nice - The Beach Boys
Night Fever - BeeGees
My Humps - Black Eyed Peas
Don’t Funk With My Heart -Black Eyed Peas
One Love - Bob Marley
All for One, All for Love - Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, Sting
Baby if You Give it to Me - Busta Rhymes ft. Mariah Carey
Love You Madly - Cake
Love Will Keep Us Together - the Captain & Tennille
My heart will go on - Celine Dion 1
Steal My Kisses - Ben Harper
I’d Run Away - The Jayhawks

This week when strangely fast…probably because I spent most of it at work, asleep or wishing I was asleep. The only time this wasn’t the case was when Gossip Girls, Brothers and Sisters, American Idol, Greek and Ace of Cakes were on. Yes, not really the classiest of television…but after nine hours at work, thinking isn’t happening. (Though I can’t really that excuse for Brothers & Sister as it is on Sunday…eh, good cast, with attractive gentlemen).

Speaking of attractive gentlemen, obviously this isn’t going to go well with my happy single ideal…there is this very attractive boy from my last place of employment. We chatted everyday for a few minutes, mostly about schooling (he is writing his undergrad thesis) and I may have batted the eyelashes for no other reason then I could. So I left the government job, and said boy emails me to be like…”so sad you’re gone, do you still mind helping edit my thesis.” I mean thing I apparently am good for, baking and thesis editing (well this was my thought in that moment, E you can’t yell at me for saying that). Today I get an email that is like, “I’m still 10 pages away from being done, do you still mind editing…we should hang out when I get my social life back.”

The jaw dropped…at my desk…people stared…my jaw may be stuck (or not)

But I did laugh, and promptly messaged E to be like “a cute boy emailed me to edit his thesis and hang out!” Of course she response was to go get coffee and then make out with him…I don’t think I’m going to go with that plan. Cause I may lament about being single…but singleness I know and can handle, interacting with boys, that is just an unknown.

Between E and Law School Friend it can easily be said that some of the best people come from Minnesota.

Where does this all come from, well Law School Friend is spending the summer in the same city as me, YAY! And E, well I think out conversations can be summarized as “seriously ridiculous.” Which is a result for our shared love of dark humor, but the fact that we actually talk about life. So in her honor I blog the following:

- Life is fantastically better then it was a few months ago: The job switch is one of the better decisions I made in life. The change in denomination and finding a church (5 months and going strong). And then this weekend a happy single revelation. But in true honor of E, I’m going to jump off the dock…and she better hold me to it, cause I may just need someone to push me. :)