an uncomfortable question
Life is full of questions that we don’t want to answer or ones that we just hope people will stop asking. In my life those questions have ranged from serious to absurd:
- Did you go to the gym today?
- Did you get an A on that last essay you turned in?
- What are your plans post-college?
- That doesn’t fit, would you like the next size up?
And while those are all absurd, I was hit with the worst of them today.
What do you want to do with your future?
And gosh darn it, I almost froze in place. Cause my life has never been about planning a long term goal or career. Instead it’s about the impulsive. it’s about when I was in elementary school saying I wanted to work in the government and doing it by the age of 21. It’s about watching tv show in high school and learning about a great non-profit and wanting that…and accomplishing it by 22. And while the “what do you want to do with your life question” is normally hard enough, this one went deeper. It went to a place where it wasn’t just, what is your dream, it was “I’m trying to understand how you are using this job toward a goal.” And I didn’t know what to say…except thoughts keep running through my head.
The first thing I wanted to blurt out was that I plan on being a mom. Thank you, I’m now officially throwing myself with all the people in high school that made me ill cause they just wanted to get married and have babies. I was different, I had big dreams…and by the age of 22, I’ve accomplished graduating from my ideal college and working in three areas I always dreamed of, and now, I can’t really say what my long term future plan is. Instead I sit here pondering. Some people are driven to urban development, some to the government, some to the law, and some are natural born leaders. And then I wonder where I fit in…the faux-mom, the baker, and maybe even the candlestick maker. :)
But all in all, I’m left to ponder what it is that I am after in life, what skill and passion I can bring to a career field. The mom sensibility, the baking, the liberal arts education and the ability to find a dozen synonyms for a prostitute (from any historical era); not exactly marketable skills, except that education one. It’s time to ponder and think, and decide what I’m really looking for in the life that is solely me apart from another person. Gah, this so isn’t going to be fun
