Throwing Cake Around

It’s a 3am post, can we expect much more the pop lyrics for the title. So much in a day to recap that I couldn’t tell you where to begin. I could talk about the nice, charming, cute conservative boy I met (who knew those existed), how I left work early, or the fun hang out with church girls and one boy. But really one this sticks out:

I said goodbye to the HD.

Pretty much I’ve known this day has been coming for months, and I’ve worked up to being okay with it. Different things ran through my mind during this time, most of said things included how to restrain the word vomit moment that would go “so you knew I had a thing for you, thanks for dealing with that like an adult.” But over time I realized that I didn’t need to contain the word vomit moment, the only way it would happen is if I forced it out. And while I wanted to several time, I couldn’t (cause that is just the way it works.” But today it hit…and the goodbye happened, and all the things I wanted to say were left unsaid.

That last line almost hits me harder then the actually goodbye (which will hit me in a few days and I’ll be a wreck). All the things I wanted to say were left unsaid. I live with some insane uncertain feelings and thoughts. It’s all an emotional tug of war in my head, one that is such a part of me that I never notice it until moments like this where a few beers and a moment in time give me a peek into my psyche. What is it that causes me to not come out and be like, hey this is how I feel…take it or leave it, but that is how it is. And not just in the boy-girl awkward crush scenario, but in everything: happiness, anger, disappointment, excitement, heartache and other things that hit us day in and day out. What is it, I can actually answer that. it’s all about the need to take care of people, to make sure life is treating them as well as possible in the moment and what I think shouldn’t get in the way of any of that.

All in all, it’s a pathetic moment in time. It has me typing and not sleeping, and it has me singing Marie Digby’s song, Miss Invisible on repeat, for the last 30 mins [Mostly cause I love the chorus]:

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take a little look at the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day that you will ask her…her name

The music is super heavy on the piano and fits my mood entirely. Not a good sign, not that any of this post was. Sleep time must be calling to save my sanity

In the midst of “finding myself” (again), let me say the one thing that is getting a tad insane…

ENGAGEMENTS

Yep, that magically word that recalls to mind certain aspects of life at all times. And seriously, we’ve been over this before…I’m 22…people shouldn’t be getting hitched left and right. But they are.

1. Growing Up Best Friend: Got married over a year ago on the same date I graduated
2. FL College Friend: Got married last July in Florida
3. Elementary School Girl: Engaged, getting married…sometime soon
4. MA College Friend: Practically engaged, planning dates for the fall/winter
5. Church Friend: Thank you facebook, told me she was engaged
6. Church/Family Friend: Not engaged, just expecting. Thus, I see wedding bells soon.
7. CO College Friend: Got married this past spring, it was surreal and still doesn’t feel real
8. Girl a Year Below Me: Engaged, may already be married…I’ve tried not to keep up

And I’m sure the list goes on and I’ve missed some. All of that, since May 2007. I may need that vacation.

I know, I know…how many time can a girl contemplate her life before someone finally smacks her and says, get a life. While I’m sure I am pushing closed to that line, I thank God am not there yet. [Unless I am and no one told me; people like to not telling me when I'm doing something absurd]. So, it’s time again…for the 411 of what’s in my mind.

Work: I like my job. I like my organization. I like the work we do. I can’t stand that I seriously have no serious responsibilities apart from answering phones and scheduling. So, I may have sped up the “mid-life crisis, open a bakery” time line. Pretty much I graduated from college and have since been a volunteer, a housing worker on campus, a personal assistant in the government, and an executive assistant for a non-profit. I want to do something big, something huge, something that makes a difference…and yet, I’m not quite sure that I’m ready to change the world politically. But maybe I can make sugar cookies in the shapes of elephants and donkeys

Diet: I swear I am dieting cursed right now. I’m attempting not to eat a bunch of junk and rice cakes are my snack of choice at work. I walk to work every day (back and forth is well over a mile), and my building is four floors (without an elevator)…so I run up and down stairs everyday. Add that to the fact I think I have walked all over the city lately and then I stand on the scale. And it smacks me in the face…and is just like, ha…weight gains sucks for you. All I have to say, the scale should be happy that it is still alive and mechanical in this world, cause I live on the second floor and out the window it almost went. I may jumpstart the re-diet with a juice diet over the weekend (except I keep making dinner plans with people).

Life Re-Organization: So overall, my plan next week. Reorganize my life and refocus my attentions (upon what, well that may depend on the first thing). I need to decide what I really want to do with my life. And whoa it is about time.

So inappropriate crushes. Yes it’s one of my favorite topics cause I like to justify it at all times and in all possibilities. But we are about to venture into the “interest you don’t want to have.”

There are those people that you are interested in and spark your fancy and then they start acting like themselves and you just are like, really…seriously…nevermind, I don’t care. And you leave it at that; and slow but surely they start to creep in and you look upon them in a more favorable light. And then one day, you wake up and you’re like…Hmmmm, I could spend some one on one committed relationship quality time with them. After you think that thought, your next thought is “where is a window I can throw myself out of, cause that thought pattern proves I may be on something.” Needless to say, one of the moments hit. Thus, it’s not an inappropriate crush…it’s a, oh my gosh no I refuse to be interested in you moment. And you know, that is just about five-hundred times worst then the inappropriate crush (maybe)

Okay….back to work. More absurdity later

Yes, you read the correctly. Thank God it’s Monday.

The boss lady left today for a week long work trip and wow, am I so excited about this whole deal. To celebrate, A, Law School Friend and I have crepes and a bottle of wine. Pretty much cause I have no intention of being in the office before about 2:00 tomorrow. A meeting at 10:00 and then a lunch at 12:15 with the old co-workers and I baked the salted, white chocolate oatmeal for them. Cause I am bribing my way into their hearts and doing it by way of their stomach. Law School friend came over yesterday and today when I baked, and sampled the lovely baking testers. It’s a pretty great batch, and I have to get them to my meeting and them to the lunch in one piece.

The weekend was lovely, in the way that I will still claim that two nights in a row I was taken out by E and G without warning, and thus, was the person not attired for going out. Night one, both girls in cute summer dresses, me…jeans and a peacock blue deep v-neck tunic/shirt with a tank under it. Night two, G in a cute summer dress, E in a cute “rust” colored shirt and a denim mini…and me…in jeans (they might have been the ones I was wearing the night before, a white tank, and a black Gap shirt with a giant safety pin on the back. It’s a good think I’m not going out looking for a guy, cause the combo of my “sparkling” personality and the jeans and a t-shirt I seem to wear when going out…well let’s just say it’s not recommending me. But when it comes down to it, absolutely hysterical evenings, cause E has been in rare form and the TMI moments are running wild.

And now that it’s Monday…and a quite week at work, I feel the blogging may increase (may, is the key word)

Life is full of questions that we don’t want to answer or ones that we just hope people will stop asking. In my life those questions have ranged from serious to absurd:

• Did you go to the gym today?
• Did you get an A on that last essay you turned in?
• What are your plans post-college?
• That doesn’t fit, would you like the next size up?

And while those are all absurd, I was hit with the worst of them today.

What do you want to do with your future?

And gosh darn it, I almost froze in place. Cause my life has never been about planning a long term goal or career. Instead it’s about the impulsive. it’s about when I was in elementary school saying I wanted to work in the government and doing it by the age of 21. It’s about watching tv show in high school and learning about a great non-profit and wanting that…and accomplishing it by 22. And while the “what do you want to do with your life question” is normally hard enough, this one went deeper. It went to a place where it wasn’t just, what is your dream, it was “I’m trying to understand how you are using this job toward a goal.” And I didn’t know what to say…except thoughts keep running through my head.

The first thing I wanted to blurt out was that I plan on being a mom. Thank you, I’m now officially throwing myself with all the people in high school that made me ill cause they just wanted to get married and have babies. I was different, I had big dreams…and by the age of 22, I’ve accomplished graduating from my ideal college and working in three areas I always dreamed of, and now,  I can’t really say what my long term future plan is. Instead I sit here pondering.  Some people are driven to urban development, some to the government, some to the law, and some are natural born leaders. And then I wonder where I fit in…the faux-mom, the baker, and maybe even the candlestick maker. :)

But all in all, I’m left to ponder what it is that I am after in life, what skill and passion I can bring to a career field. The mom sensibility, the baking, the liberal arts education and the ability to find a dozen synonyms for a prostitute (from any historical era); not exactly marketable skills, except that education one. It’s time to ponder and think, and decide what I’m really looking for in the life that is solely me apart from another person. Gah, this so isn’t going to be fun

The East Coast had one of the grossest heat waves (mind you I say this and it’s not even the middle of June yet). But anywho, yesterday was supposed to be the run to the post office day with one of the interns. As it was a feels like temp of 105, let’s just say the walking in the outdoors didn’t happen. But then it rained last night and it is fantastic now.

Moving on to today. The weather was a fantastic temperature within the 80’s and the office was hopping, which means I was looking for any excuse to walk outside. In a quick overview:

Cupcakes: So my boss had this meeting last week. And today the guy sent 24 specialty cupcakes to our office. I mean I love cupcakes…I hate speciality cupcakes. I mean who in their right mind thinks $3.75 is acceptable for a cupcake, mine taste just as good…most of the time. But needless to say it was fantastic and I ate it reluctantly :)

No Gym, Long Walks: So all told in walking today it was about 3.0 miles. I walked my little self all over this little city. But I feel fantastic for it (and still totally in pain from the gym yesterday).

Office Clean-Up: So I am one of those people that hates working late, but will take on a million and one tasks if asked. You could tell just by looking at my desk. But as more tasks came up, the piles got bigger and the work was overwhelming; though I am still the queen of saying I was fine. But one person noticed when I was freaking out and imputing over 100 business cards in an online contacts and not organizing my life which was what I wanted to accomplish. And needless to say, she took my computer and the giant stack of business cards and was just like, go run your errands and file and someone else will do this. It was fantastic, one of her interns did the business cards and I reorganized my whole work space…I don’t dread seeing my desk tomorrow.

Crazy Emails: Somehow an email chain started between M, Work Boy and I today. it was like I’m sitting at my desk in the midst of a ridiculous email string with my old co-workers. At one point I was called a heartbreaker, M was called a dork, and Work Boy…well he was just called out for a lack of commitment and having flavors (long story). It ended by me having dinner with M, which was great.

The BALLET!!: So Law School Friend and I went to the ballet tonight. And it was fantastic. Pretty much three companies and, thus, three different performances. And it was fantastic. The first piece Serenade was extremely ethereal and reminded me of my favorite ballet, Giselle. The second, In the Night, was three pas de deux exercises, the couples were great but the final couple was phenomenal. The lifts and throws, twists and turns were breathtaking. But by far, the most amazing was the last piece, Velocity, which as LSF called it, “the man dance.” Yes, dancing men. And we aren’t talking your stereotypical ballet guys, we are talking extremely muscular men. Though, the women were extremely muscular too, which was apparent as they weren’t wearing tights and you could see every muscle line in their legs. (If we couldn’t tell, I am insanely jealous). But they were incredible. And a perfect ballet for LSF’s first time and introduction into the ballet world.

And how do I finish off such a great day…well cooling down my warm apartment, writing this post, chatting via gChat and watching CSI:Miami. It’s a great evening.

**random addition: CSI Miami just mentioned the use of “soy ink” as what NE printers use cause it is cheaper and better for the enviroment. I chuckled cause my business cards came yesterday and in the words of an intern “this is the greenest print job I’ve ever seen.” Because they are made with with wind power, soy ink and union labor on recycled paper. Oh the progressive government non-profits. :)

The cupcake tattoo inspriation came from Law School Friend (who is different from Sketchy Law School/Church Friend). The Sketchy One is a boy…and wouldn’t suggest a tattoo…Law School Friend is a girl…and the suggester of the cupcake.

Law School Friend, you wanted credit…continue to float in the basking cloud of “it was me”

Monday always comes around and I feel like I’ve run a marathon (haha, that is a thought…me. run. ha. ha).

But because exhaustion has come around and it’s all I can think of, it just so happens that it is what I’m blogging about. The weekends for me are generally a time to recoup after the week. However, sleep wasn’t so much on the menu for this past weekend, which was due to a combo of social gatherings and my room being to hot to function. But the combo of that, and the over-thinking about my life…always exhausting :)

Now for a random tangent. I’m skimming the iTunes store and there is Disney Channel music up, one of my many guilty joys. But one song leads to another which leads to another with leads to the iTunes Essential List entitled “High School Crush.” it is about the funniest thing that I have seen in a while. It is chock full of songs that describe moments in people’s lives…and songs that I admit I owned a few of. The list includes such gems of my high school/college era, like:

• You Are the Music In Me — High School Musical
• Clumsy — Fergie
• La La — Ashlee Simpson (that song make me ill after my soph. year roomie)
• Crazy In Love — Beyoncé
• It’s Gonna Be Me — *NSYNC
• Lonely No More — Rob Thomas
• A Thousand Miles — Vanessa Carlton

Well you get the picture, it’s almost as bad as the playlist E and T created. You know, I should just burn the CD (the E and T one) and hand it to the thought of the moment and just be like, here…(one word. it’s all that is needed…not because one word would be enough, but because it would be all I could get out before I had fled in shame, maybe)  :)

There are many absurd things I’ve done in my life, and there are plenty absurd things that I still want to do. Most of them I can talk myself out of, and some just keep coming back (normally guy related). But this one…is something that I’ve wanted to do since high school.

I want to get a tattoo on my hip.

There is is…out in the open. The ideas generally run on a similar theme: a crown, a crown and a heart…but it never seemed like the perfect thing to get permanently inked on my body. I’m not quite sure who thought of it last night, but the winning thing is a cupcake. I want to get a cupcake inked onto my hip. It would be fantastic, and I just might do it. Cause I mean, who would see it but me…and it would be so happy :)